A cure for depression ?

jwoody · Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:09 pm Post subject: A cure for depression ?

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws.

Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost £500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Tell us a story Skipper old buddy, if your out there...
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number 1 bet · Triple Crown Winner Joined: 18 Mar 2005 Posts: 1400

why did the skelton want to cross the road??

cos it want go to the body shop!!!!

Matty_Power · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 12:04 pm Post subject:

At dawn the telephone rings.

"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at
your country house."

"AH yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a
problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that
your parrot died.

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International
competition?"

"Si, Senor,that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that
bird. "What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor"

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that
work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire."

"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the
house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"

"Your wife's, Senor...She showed up one night out of
the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her
with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE...................

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep
shit!"
_________________
Luck is temporary, Class is permanent!!

step · Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 4:59 pm Post subject:

You've probably heard it recently anyway, but here goes:

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out,

'What do you do?' she says.

'I do Top Gear' he replies

'Great, i'll have 4 grams please'
_________________
Bad is never good until worse happens.

N0bber · Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:18 am Post subject:

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

step · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 2:08 pm Post subject:

An email i received.

..THE GRASS ALWAYS LOOKS GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE..
Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing
to showfor it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife

Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't
get a dime from me. So take care.
>>
>>P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born
>>Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
>>
>>Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
_________________
Bad is never good until worse happens.

step · Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:19 am Post subject:

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" Asks the barman. "Well, I'll tell
you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my
way
home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like
in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her
back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored
big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did
everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position
imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she
pretty?"

"Dunno...Never found the head.
_________________
Bad is never good until worse happens.

N0bber · Posted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 1:45 pm Post subject:

Just like Demi Moore...An oldie but a goodie...

One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.

Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for £850,000.

The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious at how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.

"How did you get so much money?"

"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."

"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.

"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you £10,000 that your balls are square!".

The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.

"This is my lawyer," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."

"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.

"You're right, they're not square!"

The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"

"Oh, I bet him £100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."

step · Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 9:58 am Post subject:

http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a321/step333/Drug_warning1.jpg
_________________
Bad is never good until worse happens.

N0bber · Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 4:42 pm Post subject:

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would know that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, she could go f*** herself."

step · Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 11:07 pm Post subject:

Glad to bring a smile. Smile

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. Why don't women need to wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!
_________________
Bad is never good until worse happens.

swift tuttle · Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 8:04 am Post subject:

'Fraid you've lost me, EyeNo. I just can't see it - you couldn't spell it out in words of one syllable, could you?

The only thing I can think of is that the 'Kin' part is a truncated form of the 'f' word but then I can't make sense of whats left. Sorry, must be a bit thick.

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