A cure for depression ?

[burners]

Illegal Immigrants Poem
I cross ocean, poor and broke.
Take bus, see employment folk.
Nice man treat me good in there.
Say I need to see welfare.

Welfare say, 'You come no more,
We send cash right to your door.'
Welfare cheques - they make you wealthy!
NHS - it keep you healthy!

By and by, I got plenty money.
Thanks to you, British dummy!
Write to friends in motherland.
Tell them 'come fast as you can.'

They come in turbans and Ford trucks.
I buy big house with welfare bucks!
They come here, we live together.
More welfare cheques, it gets better!

Fourteen families, they moving in,
But neighbour's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away.
Now I buy his house,then I say,

Find more aliens for house to rent.'
And in the yard I put a tent.
Everything is very good,
And soon we own the neighbourhood.

We have hobby, it's called breeding.
Welfare pay for baby 's feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills?
We get free! We got no bills!

Britain crazy! They pay all year,
To keep welfare running here.
We think UK darn good place.
Too darn good for the white man race!

If they no like us, they can scram.
_________________
No-one likes us we don't care

[burners]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of
humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
"MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo
clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
_________________
No-one likes us we don't care

[burners]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"


Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
_________________
No-one likes us we don't care

[Dammo Qwirky]

Liverpool council have refused LFC a new stadium at Stanley Park. They say its ok to have a fair on it once a year, but to have a circus on it every fortnight is taking the pis.
_________________
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[jimklumann]

Family Fortunes.

Les Dennis - "Name a type of ache"?
Contestant - "Fillet of fish".

Les Dennis - "Name a dangerous race"?
Contestant - "Arabs".



Bill and Ben are in the bath,
suddenly Ben goes FLUB-ALUB-ALUB,
Bill says "If that stinks I'll kill you".

(Only people who remember the flowerpot men will get that one)

[Dammo Qwirky]

poor jokes page has been neglected recently, come on guys add yer jokes/forwards here! ill add a few to get us going again...




A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."
_________________
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[Dammo Qwirky]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,


'Hello.'


'Mrs. Ward, please.'


'Speaking.'


'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical


Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your


husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from


another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now


uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the


results are either bad or terrible.'


'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.


'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for


Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for


AIDS. We can't tell which are your husband’s.'


'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?'


questioned Mrs. Ward.


'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these


expensive tests one time. The people at Medicare


recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in


the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't


sleep with him.
_________________
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[Dammo Qwirky]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh * t."
_________________
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[Dammo Qwirky]

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What is the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says 'I don't care what you say, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an eighteen year old.'

The husband replies 'What did he say about your 55 year old @rse?'

She replied 'Your name never came up!'
_________________
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[Dammo Qwirky]

Life would be much better lived backwards.


You'd start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, wake up in an old peoples' home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement

You eat what you want, you party... and you get ready to start school.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then .........

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day...

And then, you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.
_________________
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[step]

How to save the airlines:



Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell --- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right --- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[step]

THE 'BIRD FEEDER'
>
> I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed..
>
> Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
>
> But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
>
> Then came the pooh. It was everywhere: on the patio, the chairs, the table...everywhere.
>
> Then some of the birds turned mean:
> They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
>
> And others birds were boisterous and loud:
> They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
>
> After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore.
>
> I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
>
> I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
>
>
> Soon, the back garden was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
>
> Now lets see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
>
> Then the immigrants and the illegal's came by the hundreds of thousands.
>
> Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small flats are housing 5 families: you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor: your child's education is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English: Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press 'one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than Our Flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
>
> Mayybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.